As I sit here in the sun, I am reflecting that somedays are hard and somedays are tricky today is one of them.
Somedays all I want to do is curl back up under my doona and pretend that the day never started and escape.
Start a new life, a new house, a new beginning not because I don’t love the things in my life but because I don’t want to face the mistakes, face the hardness face the everyday that comes along with “Today” and lets face it the also the dishes that were left in the sink last night when I was too tired to wash up.
The thing is which is of course very cliché but you all know it… We only get one life, so I had better suck it up and make this one count… That statement in itself triggers something in me… I mean if I was going to do that shouldn’t I have done that already? I have been through enough crap or enough life to have learnt a few lessons along the way and as I approach my mid-forties with the beginnings of all those things that happen as you get older and you admit that your life is pretty much half done at the best of times… it feels like I should have at least started to have my shit together by now rather than still trying to sort that out. So sucking it up and making it kick off now.. I thought I had been doing that for the last 10years…why does it feel like I am still nowhere yet… and where is this place I want to be? Why does it feel so blerghhh!!!
I often feel selfish for wishing and wanting the things I do. Why should I get all these things like a roof over my head, children who grow to be great human beings, occasional holidays, food on the table at the moment I really want a new laptop that i can draw with a pen on and new tyres for my car not everyone gets that. There are people who are ill, people who are much less fortunate than I and who could quite possibly be more deserving of basic things that I have already. These people are good people hard working people and they don’t complain at all. People who so desperately could possibly want the things I have. Yet, I have disregarded some of these things & I what’s worst I am wishing some of these things away by wanting to escape. There are things in the world that can’t necessarily be achieved with hard work, there are people who are wanting children who can’t (i know I have been there). People wanting to simply walk down the street who can’t. People who are wanting to just live one day in safety free from terror, from violence and abuse, these people can’t, they just can’t. Those things are far more important than me having to be able to go on a holiday at all this year.
Who am I to want to run away from this great life I have when I really think about it I have everything I could possibly want right here and if it was removed I would miss it, want it, crave it. I know there will come a day when my children are no longer at home and I will miss having to care for them but here today on the last few days looking after a household of sick kids I can say I am happy to be done with that for now.
There are some days when I feel like all I am is a big fat failure. Everything I do is wrong, incorrect or somehow just off. There are days when I feel like I am never, or never will be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, basically enough of anything. These days, like today, I sit back and take stock of life and check in with all that is.
There is always the thing you want that you don’t have. There is always another way you could have done it better. There is always someone or some thought ready waiting to tell you that it could have been done differently and maybe just maybe had you done that you would be better off, smarter, richer, prettier basically just better than what you are now. Always there waiting to jump in and remind you. Always there waiting…
On these days, more than others you need to …. in the words of Kelly Rae Roberts ( who I am a massive fan of and she said recently on a webinar I was listening to) you need to:
“Be the advocate for your own self! Be the guardian of your own well being!”
It makes so much sense, a guardian! Where do I find such a guardian? You must be the guardian or have a guardian within you and you can call on it at times of need, cause there ain’t nobody there standing between you and those thoughts racing through your head. A guardian can also be represented by a physical object like painting to ground you, an object a piece of jewellery to connect yourself to you.
Be the vessel for which your art, your purpose, your message that comes through to others through you! Most of all something which I know to be true but I know I don’t always practice
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
Go for a walk, sit in the sun and write in your journal. Paint, read, take a bath (which I do in winter very often) or catch up for a cuppa with a good friend. Be the kindness for yourself that you may not always get from others. Be the kindness guardian for yourself that sometimes (despite yourself) has to come out and as you do this remember:
It’s ok to be all of you!!!
Somedays you need reminding of that. It’s ok to be all of you!!
Somedays it takes a lot to sit with that and practice kindness to me. I do have a little list on my wall, that I refer to here are some suggestions that might help: If your an art journaler, draw a guardian in your art journal. Draw you as a guard, or paint someone like you who is strong and kicking arse in whatever way that feels for you. Paint a nice colour that is protective with strong bold strokes or a tree that is strong! If you are into aromatherapy like me put on some nice oils to settle the nerves as you go about your day (yes those dishes have to be done at some point). One thing, I like to do is light a candle. Just like the one in the blog photo, this is a little tea light in a holder I painted a while ago and I found it in my cupboard the other week. This week I also bought myself tulips to be in my studio which I have put in a vase from my grandmother it brings me warmth every time I look at it and I am reminded that I am here because she existed and so will others be in the future because of my just being here today.
Now I don’t feel like I need to escape, I don’t miss the things I don’t have and I am ok and thankful for all the people, things and experiences I have within me right now. It’s ok.
It’s ok to me and its ok to be you!
Somedays you just need that little bit of love that reminding and kindness to yourself, if today is one of those please take a moment for you.
If this post resonated with you, please don’t be a strange leave a comment below or on social media and let me know 🙂 Be kind 🙂