Today for International Women’s Day I am going to share with you an extract from a story I have written about me. This extract starts from the place of my recent fire (but there is more to the story I will share at another time) the title is “re-creation” and yes there will be art to follow this 🙂

There is a trigger warning for those who may have experienced fire trauma if this is something that may cause you distress you may want to read on or opt out with kindness for yourself and support.

I am sharing this with you today as part of my own healing journey, part of which is to use my voice to speak my truths, acknowledge who I am and the path I have walked without which I would be a different person than who I am today. It has taken many years be able to stand strong in my own feet and I still wobble, yet here I am standing here to share.

A strong driving force also for sharing this today is to hopefully be an inspiration and help for others. Over the years I have gained so much from hearing other’s stories and connecting with other women even if i haven’t experienced the same as the I can resonate and in awe of their strength and courage. We often can see the courage in others that we don’t see within ourselves so with that I share this story and invite you to look inwardly as to how strong you are in the places you have ventured. I also invite you to comment, share and connect with me and others as part of this journey.

This story is about a girl, a woman and her life journey.

EXTRACT from “re-creation” a story

….So, on a winter’s evening a fire started in the house.

In hindsight, she thought she really must be a super powerful manifestor because this essentially gave her what she asked for.
A RESET. Not just a little one a big one.

Thankfully she and her adult children escaped the fire relatively unharmed on their bodies, but in their minds that night will forever be engraved.
She watched the fire grow stronger and stronger, engulfing the building that was their home, the sky lit with smoke, the sound of glass cracking as the windows broke it was surreal. It was only minutes and as they say time slowed down and speed up at the same time. The lights and sirens of the fire engine as it arrived filled the street.  The fireys seemed to go slowly but they were doing their job. Their main concern ofcourse was to ask questions to see if everyone one was out or if there were any pets which luckily in this moment it was some solace to say no we are all out. It was ok.

As she watched on and she had to catch herself almost out of her body to realise this was ACTUALLY happening. Only moments before she had been sound asleep in her bed. As she looked at the horror on the faces of her children, she grabbed them and gave thanks. They were all ok, they all stared in disbelief. She had the capacity to reassure them that in that moment we are all ok as we all watched on. There was nothing they could do nothing that could be said other than staring on in disbelief.  Thank god, the universe all that things that we are ok.  At the same time she also knew that in THIS moment the thoughts were in her head my gosh THEY ALL are now forced to start again.
The fire took all their things. Ironically, what it also took was the belief that she was not worthy, not good enough. The fact that she stood there with her two adult children after this event and the fact they had survived was solid evidence that she was strong enough to literally come out of the ashes and still be ok. She had walked through fires before both literally and mentally and come out ok BUT THIS… this was at a whole new level. What a gift it was to still be standing upright after all of that.
All the things she had collected her whole life, her photos, her clothes, her daily used objects were gone EVERYTHING! Some things were cherished some were just practical items that were just things NONE of these existed anymore. Those things in the physical existence that made up who she was who she thought she was they were completely gone.

Though it would take some time to process, at that moment was also the burning of the fairytale, the false story of her was in the ashes. Even if you just for a minute wanted to humor the story she had lived with that maybe she wasn’t enough and believed that her first story was true (which of course it wasn’t) BUT now after this, how could she possibly out of any realm of imagination not be enough? She was and is enough simply because she stood there. It was proven. The story was false. She would forever be different AND be free to create a new story, free to believe a new belief from HERE on out cause it was all gone it no longer physically existed there was nothing to prove it otherwise. The false story was gone partly because of the fire but the fire was just the event, it was gone because she decided it was and she CHOSE to be that way from here on out. She chose to step into the new story the new way of being  of who this woman now is and this time she actually chose to BELIEVE it. This once a girl, now a woman was free to move forward away from the false story. To now be empowered, free to choose, free to be embracing the energy of the day and to all the people she meets with kindness and love if she wishes. To live the day with curiosity and wonder and possibilities. She has the gift of knowing what it is like when ALL that is thought to be true changes in an instant and the power in the choice that then comes. Free to decide daily, moment by moment which story to believe to BE. Now it would be a great tale to say that she then lived happily ever after and she was from this moment all good as that is how fairy tales typically end. I could end this story there but this story is isn’t a fairytale, this is a tale of a rediscovered woman in the real world.

Months rolled by and a new daily routine kicked in. A new reality emerged. It wasn’t the same world for her as before by any long short. All the things were different, there wasn’t a daily object reminder of the past, everything was new. There had to be new attachments to things and ways she didn’t recognise as her own but they were relatively insignificant in the scheme of things; it was all just new and different. She realised just how shaky her foundations were not just now but also were before. She was scared. Gone was the worry of not being enough, but it had shifted into hanging onto what she did have. Not through the lens of material things but in the fragility of life itself. Oh it was all so much closer so much more fragile than it ever was before. Hopelessness and apathy had been replaced with emergency delicacy and preciousness. Taking a moment she reflected on all the past things in her life up to this point, what a journey! People comment to her about how much she has handled alot more than some, not as much as others. How much of her precious life had passed already and how much she wondered how much more will she have left of this fragile, precious life? What was she going to do now to make this next bit count?

Whilst this once young girl is now a bit of a wise old crone it is surprising that it has taken a bit of a while for her to realise she is strong! She is braver than she ever was, more grounded than she ever has been. She could now see at least some of her inner courage that she could not see before. She has been through things that many would not see in their lifetime and she not only survived but came out pretty good. This cronie however, was still a young girl at heart. It is hard to take on a new personality a new way of being.  She was vulnerable but put on a stoic brave face in most accounts but she was only human and as she wavered in her low times and she would gradually slip back into her old patterns once the drama of the fire was over.

On reflection she realised she was still giving away her power, she was still keep quiet for the sake of peace, she still held back instead of taking the lead, she still put others ahead of her own well being and could feel ever so slightly day by day feel herself slipping back into the mundane ways that did not light the way for the new version of herself. Life is a funny thing and the saying “life happens whilst your busy making other plans” is often true, life can be ALOT at times and can easily get away from one when it’s not being watched. More often than not days still felt like a fight to get through, it felt like a struggle just to get to the bed at the end of the day and sadly sometimes that was the highlight of her day. She said to herself..

“Is this it? Is this what I have been through all of this @#$# for only to end up back here? “

So she wondered, how can I resolve this and learn lessons as to not just repeat and repeat and perhaps finally to have joy in life and not just live out the mundane?
Afterall, this all has surely been for a reason, surely if it is not only to do better?

The best she can come up with for now is, as she catches herself in the dark of the night and sometimes in the light of the day and the dark emotions, thoughts and memories rise up like the morning sun again and again…
…in THAT moment she remembers her strength in the time after the fire. When all the things were gone and she was alone and it was only herself in her undies and a hospital gown as she walked down the stairs of the hospital after the fire to an awaiting ride to a bed that wasn’t hers with nothing else but the embrace of her children and family as she went to them.

REMEMBER, that once a girl now a woman, whilst she was fragile and vulnerable, that one also had the power and the strength to walk a step then another.
Courageous enough to walk the steps to the next chapter with grace.
To step forward when she did not know if the next step was there, BUT of course it was because it was always there.
To be grateful for the kindness of strangers and dearest friends which hold such a special place forever in her heart.
To be thankful for the basic necessities of life and to be able to hug her children that night and all the other nights she can.
THAT woman had a choice to step into her power and she did. The power wasn’t necessarily assigned to her, given to her by a special Fairy Godmother nor had it any special magic like turning her into a princess in a magical castle with the Prince.
It was a power that was actually pretty low key in the scheme of things but oh it was very GREAT…
…In that moment when she remembers she CAN do something with her power. She picks up her brush and paints, she picks up the pencil and draws as this was a gift she can share.
She also lives and speaks from a place of kindness and love to herself most importantly,  but also to others. to just BE Daily.

She reminds herself of her courage and her strength and her vulnerability and hopefully others of theirs when they view her creations, her voice cause she knows that comes from an energy she must embrace.

She steps into each day with kindness, and greets each stranger with a smile because she CAN chose to. She does whatever she has to do, or be whoever she wants to be for the next part of the story to unfold with the new belief that she is enough and she CAN choose it through her PRESENCE of just being and standing there in herself.

Everyday every moment she can choose it. It was actually a power she actually had all along she just had to discover it and step into it for herself. She had to build the foundation, stand on the ground and take the power for herself. She has self connection and connection with others cause she creates it, practices it and it is not from a fairytale it is real.
Next time she feels down, sad, lonely, tired or any of the other things she can look in the mirror or at the painting on the wall and be reminded she has the power to recreate her own story.

Everyday.

Rising From the Ashes

Meadow Dreams - Original Painting by Belinda Lindhardt

Thankyou for reading 🙂  🙂